I’m not entirely certain what to make of you, but you have provided me with hours of speculation and entertainment about who or perhaps more appropriately, what you are. I have several guesses, but no definitive proof on which to base my assumptions, however my countless hours of observing your strange behaviors have lead me to the conclusion that you are indeed a vampire. While I have no specific incident of vampiric behavior to point to, I have noticed certain behaviors that, when added together, prove that you are indeed one of the legion of the undead.
Behavior #1:
You very rarely leave your house, and when you do, it is almost always at night. Do you merely dislike the sun, or do you avoid it because it will cause you to spontaneously combust? In fact, in the year and a half that I have lived beside you, I have never seen you open your blinds or curtains, even on the most beautiful, balmy of days. Behavior #2:
For someone who stays almost exclusively shut inside their house, you take an alarming fascination toward what other neighbors are doing, even going so far as to knock on my door to enquire about the activity of another neighbor. Most people would simply ask said neighbor about their deck being painted, instead of searching for that information in a roundabout way. This leads me to believe that you have had some previous encounter with said neighbor and feel it necessary to keep an eye on her, lest she become aware of your little charade. Behavior #3:
For at least a month, you had a Fisher Price toy kitchen jammed into the front passenger seat of your car, and proceeded to drive around with it. You have no children and you live alone. What reasonable explanation could there be for this behavior, except that you were attempting to lure unsuspecting children into your clutches? Behavior #4:
In the time that I have been your neighbor, I have never seen you bring groceries into your house. This is perhaps the most compelling piece of evidence I have against you. Only a blood-sucking creature of the night would have no use for grocery shopping. The only food I have seen you bring into your house is a take-out bag from the nearest hamburger joint. I believe that this frequent consumption of red meat is an attempt to quench your thirst for blood. All of these idiosyncracies, when looked at individually, do not add up to much. Put them together, however, and there becomes only one logical conclusion: you are a vampire.
I will continue to watch you and gather more information. One day you will slip up, and when you do, I will be watching. Mark my words.
